A Change is in the Air

Here I sit on the edge of a precipice, staring off into the dangerous unknown. Before me a rope bridge extends out into a foggy horizon, its destination unseen.  Behind me lay the path my journey has blazed; laden with mountains and valleys, jagged cliffs and dark, dank caves.  Back there is the comfortable complacency in which I exist.  Out there is possibility and hope.  The gravity of my choice to direct my path over this bridge weighs heavy on this eve of change.  One misstep and it all goes to shit.  I can’t let that happen; I can’t return to this subpar existence.  Once I step out onto that bridge there is no turning back.  I will delicately balance all of my responsibilities and obligations on my shoulders; place one foot surely in front of the other and forge my way through the fog.  I do not know what awaits me over there but I believe it is a life worth living.  I’m confident there are mountains and valleys still but they will be majestic peaks surrounded by spacious valleys bursting with color; with the brightest green grass and the most vibrant flowers filling the air with the sweet, sweet scent of happiness.  That is my future over there, my son’s future; it’s high time I get to steppin’.

An Honest Look

Honesty.  How much is necessary?  How much is healthy?  Does every thought, feeling and action need to be disclosed to everyone in order for you to be considered a truthful person? 

I consider myself to be a truthful person.  If you ask me a question, I will answer truthfully.  I will tell you what I feel is relevant, pertinent and appropriate to the situation, at that time.  But does that make me a liar?  If you ask me what’s wrong, I may answer with I don’t feel well; an accurate and honest statement.  I may even offer that my tummy is quite upset.  I’ve made an honest revelation to your question with a supporting explanation.  Is that sufficient?  Or should I include that the vomiting and explosive diarrhea I’ve had for the past hour is the real reason I don’t feel well?  Is that information necessary for my statement to be truthful?  If I don’t share that information, one could say I’m withholding information which is also considered lying.  Did I, in fact, lie to you by keeping personal details as to why I’m not feeling well to myself?  Is full disclosure necessary? 

If the argument is no, not in every situation; then who is it that decides which situations are appropriate?  Is there a person out there or an unwritten code of conduct that decides which of my thoughts, my feelings and my actions I must disclose in order for the title of “truthful” to be bestowed upon me?

If you ask me a question and my answer is honest and truthful in that moment; am I now no longer able to change my mind?  If I do change my mind, does that mean I have now lied to you?  If you ask me at 8 am if I want to catch a movie later and I answer yes; when you ask again at 8 pm and my answer is no, did I lie 12 hours previous or have my thoughts, feelings and intentions just changed?  Is the reason they changed required to be divulged for honesty to happen?  If my reason is because I’m tired now, do I need to list the reasons that caused me to be tired in their entirety?  When is it enough?  How much honesty is enough and necessary?

I had a partner once divulge a truth to me.  She felt she was doing the right thing because she was being honest with me about her thoughts and feelings.  I felt her truthful divulgence was hurtful.  I felt she could have told me her truth about how she was feeling without this particular detail.  Is complete and full disclosure necessary, or healthy, even in committed intimate relationships?  Her truth was that when she masturbates, she imagines herself with other people.  Was it absolutely necessary I know this information or could she have just told me she’s feeling unsatisfied with our relationship; that she has needs I am no longer meeting?  That truth would have been hard enough to process, was the supporting detail necessary as well?

Do we expect too much? Is full disclosure even possible?  Is it possible to share every thought, every emotion and every action?  And again, is it necessary?  Is there no such thing as a private thought?  Can you still have private thoughts and be considered honest?  I just don’t know anymore…

A Change in Perspective

Days turn into nights that turn into other days.  Quickly it all becomes a blur, I get lost in all the movement, lose focus, lose purpose.  Then there are moments, like today at the park that my perspective shifts.  I saw him differently today, even if only for a few moments.

Every day I wake to this child, I fall asleep to this child and everything in between is centered around this child, one way or another.  It is safe to say, and also sad to say that sometimes I do not really see him for who he is but rather just another task on my list of to-do’s:  wake him up, feed him, medicate him, bathe him, dress him, bring him to school, pick him up from after-school care, feed him, educate him, discipline him, ready him for bed, medicate him, tuck him in.  I can definitely get lost in the motions, lose sight of the reason behind those motions.

Today I looked at him with fresh eyes.  I saw how his face lights up when he thinks he did something funny.  I saw happiness in him as he laughed, at my expense however, to the thing he found funny.  I watched him after that, and marveled at his resilience.  After everything he’s been through, he is still just a small boy that finds so much joy in climbing a tree.  I watched him up there, no easy feat to get where he was, and saw the pride of accomplishment emanating from him.  I saw him glow when he alerted a passerby to his whereabouts and her face contorted into shock and I chuckled when she glowered at me with disapproval.  I later listened to his passionate rant about finding cigarette butts on the playground, because whoever left them there was breaking the rules.  You see, our park is a “tobacco free zone” per city ordinance.  There’s a big sign announcing this as you enter.  He could not fathom why they would break the rules.  “They can be ARRESTED!!” he proclaims, loudly.  And I smile at this personality quirk of his, this need of knowing and following rules because it only applies to rules that make sense to him.  Then I thought back to earlier in the day, when he asked me to join him for lunch.  I remembered the longing in his eyes and the excitement he could not contain when he saw me waiting for him by the cafeteria.  And the immediate concern he showed when he realized I had a bandage on my arm.  Waiting in the lunch service line, I was showered with hugs and kisses and while eating in our own special booth, I received cuddles- in front of his peers.

I know these moments of clarity are fleeting, that sometimes one can’t help but get swallowed up in the chaos of the days.  But I realized today, the most important to-do on that task list is to love him.  And I do.  And I think he knows that.  Or at least, I hope he does.

I Thought You Might Be Wondering...

Yesterday I was full of angst.  I was idling, wasting time waiting to go to work when I recognized the dread.  I do not want to go there; I do not want to be there.  There is no redeeming value for me, no qualities about my job that I find rewarding or endearing.  I go because of the paycheck.  Upon recognizing this fact, I felt discouraged.  You see, I do not give a damn about money.  It really holds no value for me aside from the necessity of it to survive in this society.  I consider it a necessary evil.  As much as I would like to move to a commune somewhere and live off the land, unfortunately I am too familiar with this way of life, this hustle and bustle and I’m not sure I would do well with that kind of transition.  Plus, I know nothing of gardening; it’s all I can do to keep a spider plant alive.  And forget about carpentry, I would end up sleeping in a ragtag lean to.  I’m not sure what kind of value I would bring to a commune, so it’s really only a fantasy of an idea.  With that being understood, I now must find a way to better adapt to this capitalistic way of life.  If money is a must, then I must find a way to earn a suitable amount in a way that stirs my soul and challenges my mind.  One thing is for sure; spending most of my day staring at a blank wall and smiling on cue isn’t getting it done.  But what will?  And how can I best make that transition?  Those are the thoughts rattling around in my brain today, just in case you were wondering…

Point... BREAK

I was once vibrant and malleable, so full of light and love and laughter.  Nothing could bring me down.  I could bend with the stress, I could adapt to the changes presented.  However, now my light is barely visible and I am stretched and bent as far my being will allow.  I have hardened after years of unrelenting pressure.  And now, I stand before you, cracking under the weight of my world.  This is my breaking point.  I feel I could shatter at any moment, explode from within, sending shards of me billowing out in a cloud, raining down onto the ground where I once stood.  But then it will be too late, I will be beyond repair.  Something needs to give now… before that something is me.

Waiting

Waiting.  I’m always waiting on something.  Or at least it seems that way.  Waiting to earn residency, waiting for my son to “get better”, waiting on a girl, waiting on a job, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I'm tired of waiting.  I want to start living.  I want life to begin.  I’m tired of living in a constant state of transition.  That’s what it is.  Angst over the transition I’m in and have been in for YEARS.  I’ve been living in this location now longer than I’ve lived anywhere in the past five years but it’s not my permanent home, which I think exacerbates this feeling.  The longer I stay in transition, the longer I’ll feel this way.

Wait for it… There.  Then wait…. And  there.  This is my day, my week, my life.  I’m constantly just waiting for something else to happen.  Waiting for it to be time to pick up the boy, waiting for the next time I can talk to my girl, waiting to go into work and once I’m there, waiting till I can leave again.  And there’s waiting on bigger things, like when I was unemployed for four months, I was waiting on a job.  Now I have a job, I wait for the paychecks.  I wait for the next schedule to come out to see if I’ll have enough hours in the coming week to make all of my obligations.  I wait for residency so I can return to school.  I wait… and wait… and wait… and I’m still here, which from the looks of things, is nowhere.  A single mom, divorced with no career and no place of my own to call home.  Kind of sounds like a pity party, but it’s just a statement of fact.  There are aspects of my life I am happy about and with, and I like the path I’m on, it’s a good one.  But it’s just that-a path- where I’m waiting for life to get better. I know this is the way to get it done; to find a life partner, learn a trade and begin a career, buy a home, have more babies, etc… but… really?  At this point, I feel like this isn’t McDonald’s cuz I’m NOT lovin it and it’s not BK either, cuz I can’t have it my way.  I get it that to appreciate the sweeter things in life, you need to taste the bitter but I’ve had about all the bitter I can handle.  Why does it all have to be a waiting game?  Why can’t I have just a little instant gratification?

Ruler of my World

So sleepy.  So tired.  Always.  Anxiety rules my world, my body, my life.  It infiltrates every moment, influencing every decision, every action, every thought.  It overpowers me, takes control and panic abounds.  Can’t breathe.  Can’t think.  Chest pain.  Muscle vibration.  Shakes.  **Can’t. Stop. Shaking.**  Hyperventilation begins.  Dizzy.  Disoriented.  Scared. The terror of it all.  Morbid thoughts.  Want it to stop.  NEED it to stop.  **Can’t. Stop. Shaking. **  Panic.  Fear.  I’m pacing.  I’m crying.  I’m pulling at my hair.  Tapping on my head.  I curl up into a ball.  Rock myself in a fetal position.  Concentrate on breathing.  Slow.  Easy.  Tears stop.  Now the decline.  Feel myself coming down.  Exhaustion remains.  It’s all that remains.  So wiped, so defeated.  A mix of other emotions begins to swirl. Embarrassed.  Ashamed.  Infuriated.  This is not ok.  This is not good.  Someone help me.