I have an ambivalence. I am of the mind to give zero fucks about what anyone thinks but I am also completely irritated when I am misunderstood and misrepresented. I am not sure how both of these things can exist simultaneously, yet here we are.
An epiphany of sorts occurred to me the other day. I read words so simple yet so profound and they have been circulating in my mind since.
A long, long time ago I noticed the trend that it was breakdowns in communication that lead to the strife in my life. I have strived since to improve my communication, attempt to perfect my communication as to avoid the pain and heartache associated with unmet, unspoken expectations. Even within the last year I was still searching for a counselor to help me, to reveal to me my barriers and teach me how to express myself. Because it always falls back to me. I speak, I share, I tell, I advocate. Over and over and over again. Years go by and my needs remain unmet. So I leave. And then I'm a liar. I'm a cheater. And any love I've professed or shown over the last {insert number here} years has been a lie.
But it's not been my communication that has been the problem. My counselor says that I communicate very well. I express my needs and my boundaries clearly. I realized it's their COMPREHENSION that has been the problem. If the recipient of my communication does not comprehend my words, then I am just speaking into the void. Words are wind. It's no wonder I'm frustrated.
Comprehension is the key to success, not communication. Communication is a necessary and viable tool, one arguably cannot achieve comprehension without it. But without comprehension, any attempts at communication are moot.
So then I asked myself, "Self, are you being unclear in your communication?" How is it all of these attempts at communication, at relaying necessary information have failed. Well, maybe not all, but surely enough to create and sustain a problem.
By no means do I wish to portray that I am perfect in my communication. There are still times I hold back. There are situations in which I shutdown, become mute and any forceful attempts at verbalization result in a stutter. But I am truthful and I am able to convey my feelings and my needs.
What I've learned though, over many, MANY experiences, is that some women have a narrative in which all things must exist. If things do not fit into this narrative, they are either twisted and contorted or ignored all together. Because for humanity, it is easier to believe we are a victim than to accept failure; to accept and acknowledge our shortcomings.
The parts of me that are irritated by the mischaracterizations and the misrepresentation want to go to war, they want to defend my character, my truth, THE TRUTH. But the parts of me that have evolved realize such actions will only fuel the narrative. There are hundreds or thousands of versions of me out there in the world, each one existing only in the mind of anyone that's met me. And those versions are none of my business. So this is when I let the zero fucks parts of me take control.
Say what you want. Present to the world whatever version of me you need to help yourself sleep at night. It does not have any bearing to the validity of the real me, nor does it detract from my current happiness.
People will believe what they want to believe. Who am I to interfere?
No comments:
Post a Comment