Life on the Borderline: The Explosion

I suppose it was always going to come to this, always going to end in this fashion and I had been just delaying the inevitable.  Maybe, on some deeper level, I knew this and that is why I waited so long.  (Procrastination is a dirty, little habit of mine.)  There was never going to be an amicable parting of ways, an agreement and calmness to the detangling of our shared lives. The moment I stated my unhappiness, it activated a chemical bomb.  A chemical reaction was initiated that could not be stopped, nor reversed.  When the situation reached its boiling point... BOOM!!!

There is no other way when sparring with emotional dysregulation.  I can't even be mad at her for the things she's said and done during her eruption, because in a sense, she cannot control it.  She CANNOT regulate her emotions; she's incapable. She blasted into a manic state, spiraling up and out of control.  I can, however, and did, protect myself and my son from her unbridled outbursts.  For everyone's safety, most importantly hers and her daughters, I had to create space. I was the trigger for her, being near me caused the temperature to rise, the two of us residing under the same roof caused this explosion.  It was the toxicity that flowed and brewed and stirred within each of us and around us; one triggering the other.  She had to go.  Away from here, away from me she could come back down from her manic state. She was unstable and unsafe and still had a little one to consider.  She needed to return to baseline to be there for her daughter during this period of change too, to be safe for both of them.

I am not claiming my actions were solely altruistic, they were not.  I made her leave because I needed the safety of her absence, my son needed that safety too.  There is a storm that revolves around her, like a cyclone or whirlwind; a tornado.  Wherever she is, chaos ensues and endures.  Since she's left, the storm clouds are receding, the sun is poking through, and the dust is settling in the new calmness.  This is where I'll build a life...far away from the Borderline.