Waiting

Waiting.  I’m always waiting on something.  Or at least it seems that way.  Waiting to earn residency, waiting for my son to “get better”, waiting on a girl, waiting on a job, waiting, waiting, waiting.  I'm tired of waiting.  I want to start living.  I want life to begin.  I’m tired of living in a constant state of transition.  That’s what it is.  Angst over the transition I’m in and have been in for YEARS.  I’ve been living in this location now longer than I’ve lived anywhere in the past five years but it’s not my permanent home, which I think exacerbates this feeling.  The longer I stay in transition, the longer I’ll feel this way.

Wait for it… There.  Then wait…. And  there.  This is my day, my week, my life.  I’m constantly just waiting for something else to happen.  Waiting for it to be time to pick up the boy, waiting for the next time I can talk to my girl, waiting to go into work and once I’m there, waiting till I can leave again.  And there’s waiting on bigger things, like when I was unemployed for four months, I was waiting on a job.  Now I have a job, I wait for the paychecks.  I wait for the next schedule to come out to see if I’ll have enough hours in the coming week to make all of my obligations.  I wait for residency so I can return to school.  I wait… and wait… and wait… and I’m still here, which from the looks of things, is nowhere.  A single mom, divorced with no career and no place of my own to call home.  Kind of sounds like a pity party, but it’s just a statement of fact.  There are aspects of my life I am happy about and with, and I like the path I’m on, it’s a good one.  But it’s just that-a path- where I’m waiting for life to get better. I know this is the way to get it done; to find a life partner, learn a trade and begin a career, buy a home, have more babies, etc… but… really?  At this point, I feel like this isn’t McDonald’s cuz I’m NOT lovin it and it’s not BK either, cuz I can’t have it my way.  I get it that to appreciate the sweeter things in life, you need to taste the bitter but I’ve had about all the bitter I can handle.  Why does it all have to be a waiting game?  Why can’t I have just a little instant gratification?