A few years ago, I decided the me I had become was not the
me I wanted to be. I wasn’t happy. I felt inferior and inadequate. I wasn’t proud
of some of my behavior, especially in emotional confrontations. Well hell, in any confrontation. To put it bluntly, my coping mechanisms
sucked. I wanted better for myself and
for my son. I realized I was never going
to have positive interpersonal relationships if I didn’t develop some emotional
maturity. So that is what I did. I spent a great deal of time reflecting and
analyzing and really asking myself some hard hitting questions. And answering them too. I spent some time in
therapy, on and off. I removed unhealthy
people and situations from my life, including alcohol consumption for quite
some time. Some had thought I had a
problem with alcohol but I disagreed. I
felt I had a problem (actually a few in regards to emotional baggage and scars
and how they affected me in life) and my inappropriate use of alcohol exacerbated
them. Solve the problem, and alcohol and
I can get along just fine. And we
have. But I digress. I focused on the timeline of my life and
tried to make connections to events that were happening and feelings I was
having. It became apparent to me that my
struggles with anxiety and depression are quite cyclical. I’m really good for a while, then not so
great, sometimes even downright bad. When
things were good, I noticed I had a strong routine, a purpose. When things were bad it seemed I’d lost my
purpose. I added positive activities to
my daily schedule that served to reduce stress and lower anxiety. I took up running and writing, and made
reading a habit. I created a strong
routine, built structure into my days. I decided I needed to be more mindful of
events that trigger the swing from great to less than great. There always seems to be an event that
changes the course of my current path, which leads to changes in my daily
routine, which will, if not resolved quickly, result in sliding down that
slippery slope into a pit hopelessness and despair. Over the years, I’ve spent a great deal of
time wallowing in that pit, sliding on the slope and quite frankly, I’m over
it. It’s not fun like sledding or cave
exploring. But just like any “cycle” my
time in the pit doesn’t last forever, there is a light at the end of the
tunnel, and I climb back out rediscovering my routine, my structure… my
purpose.
Yesterday it happened.
I knew it was coming, I could feel it building. About halfway through the day, my mood swung
to the happy side of fantastic. I felt
great. The fog had lifted, the noise
quieted down and I was able to see and think clearly. I love those moments. I took full advantage and put some positive
thinking and goals into place. Time to
remove negativity from my life, in whatever form it presents itself. I recognize the event that triggered this relapse
of sliding and pit wallowing, and there is still not much I can do to resolve that
situation until the job market improves.
But I don’t need a job to have structure in my days. This is my goal: Implement structure and routine back into my
days. Run. Write.
Read. Surround myself with
positive and supportive people who truly understand me, my struggles and can
relate. These are the things that keep
me sane and they are the exact things that have been missing from my life recently. So here I go:
I started this blog, began running with the boy in the mornings again
and am on my way to the library to get a library card. Life is good.
Have a splendid day. J
Sounds perfect! Yeah you
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