To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Dreams are funny.  They can lift us up, inspire us to new levels.  They can turn us on, stimulate a deep, sexual arousal and they can also weigh us down, leave us feeling desolate.  I had one of those dreams today, while trying to make up for a lack of nighttime sleep.  Every negative emotion I’ve been drowning in lately was present; it was a dream full of panic, struggle, pain, hopelessness and helplessness, lack of control, being utterly lost and even fighting for my life.  I woke feeling extremely disturbed and confused.  As out of ordinary as the dream was in content, ascertaining the meaning was not difficult.  I can make the connections as to why the people involved were there, why it took place where it did and why situations kept recurring that would stimulate these negative feelings.  But understanding why I had such a dream does nothing to alleviate the distress that has now filtered into the rest of my day.  I’m grouchy and I can’t shake it.  I want to be productive today, but I can’t focus.  I have absolutely no motivation to move, to do anything other than just wallow.  The thought of this brings tears to my eyes, how am I here again? What is it I keep doing wrong?

 I want out of this cycle.  I want happiness.  There are glimpses, moments in each day where I can’t wipe a smile off my face to save my life.  In these moments I feel elated, powerful and in charge of my life.  In these moments, I can see the big picture.  I can see my path, my goals and know exactly what to do to achieve all that I want.  And I feel truly confident in my ability to accomplish it all.  But behind these feelings of confidence and elation, are the feelings of despair and in unexpected moments, like nap time, they surge forward to take control. There is a war going on inside my head, a constant battle of positive and negative, of good and evil and I couldn’t tell you what side is winning at this point.  I need to find a way to hold onto those blessed moments, to extend those blissful moments and use the dominance I feel to fend off my demons.  I know they’ll always be there, they are a part of me, but they do not need to have such a starring role in my life.  But how is the operative question.