Judgmental Rant

There’s no love greater than a mother’s love for her child.  I don’t care how you much you love your husband or your wife or your stepchild there is something special, something unique in carrying a life inside of your body and then caring for this new tiny, helpless person that you made.  The bond that develops is indescribable and unmatched in any other human attachment.  I know this to be true because I’ve experienced these bonds myself. I’ve had a wife and I’ve had stepchildren and I’ve given birth.  Nothing compares. If you have not experienced this then you cannot relate to me as you do not understand my perspective in regards to my child.  Therefore, your judgment is unwarranted and misplaced.

He was three years old when I began pressing the doctor for answers.  My partner and I had split a year previous and had no contact with each other.  He had a list of signs and symptoms that just weren’t being relieved by traditional methods.  We were referred to specialists who then referred us to other, more specialized specialists.  For the next two years I offered up my only son, my baby, to a plentitude of tests and needle sticks and procedures to try to determine the cause of his distress.  Two years I spent in the dark, alone, knowing something was wrong but getting no answers.  He was five years old when the brutality of life slapped me across the face with such a force that the bruise has yet to fade.  If you have never sat in a doctor’s office alone and had your entire world crumble around you with the delivery of a terminal diagnosis for your child; if you’ve never had to process and accept that no matter what you do, you will likely outlive your child as he has a diminished chance of even making to adulthood, then you cannot relate to me as you do not understand my perspective in regards to my child.  And again, your judgment is unwarranted and misplaced.

Two years after receiving that terrifying and crushing diagnosis, we were given another:  my son is on the autism spectrum; he has Asperger’s Syndrome.  He is a brilliant child, yet socially inept.  He has sensory issues and intense anxiety that cripple his ability to function successfully in a classroom setting.  Other kids see him as odd, different and naturally exclude him.  They can’t relate to him and he can’t relate to them.  His inability to perceive and understand social cues creates a plethora of misunderstandings and miscommunications with adults and peers.  His emotional maturity- his ability to understand and process his own emotions is stifled and delayed which leads to inappropriate conduct during these miscommunications.  He is in a constant state of fight or flight.  He has to work twice as hard as the next person just to get to the same place.  Every day, every moment is a struggle and he is weighted by the hand he was dealt.  I am his mother and it is my job to understand his struggle, understand his perspective and advocate for him to those who do not.  It is me, and only me, in the school office day after day, year after year, through countless meetings and conferences explaining and defending and apologizing and fighting for his rights.  If you have never had to face the reality that every day of your child’s predicted shortened life will be an intense battle with the world around him, then you cannot relate to me as you do not understand my perspective in regards to my child.  And again, your judgment is unwarranted and misplaced.

The persona you see in public-at work, at school, at play, is a façade.  It is the mask I wear to make it through each day.  Please do not presume you know me because you have lived with me or have spent considerable time with him.  You do not know us.  You have not been on this journey with us and you have no relatable experience with which empathize.  I do not want your pity, nor do I need your judgment.  I have done the best job I could given my own flaws, shortcomings and talents with the obstacles and hurdles I have faced.  And I continue to do my best to create the greatest quality of life I can for my son.

To anyone listening: Your unsolicited parenting advice, either to my face or to my peers behind my back is inappropriate and offensive.  Just because you can form an ignorant opinion doesn’t mean you should share it.  Mind your own business.