My heart aches. A weight of unlimited and undefined measurement engulfs my body, pressing me, squeezing me, holding me down, from the outside, from the world, but also from within. It feels as if lead is sludging through my vessels, a slow and crippling pace while cement is drying, hardening all around me. This year has been tough. The whole planet has struggled, life has changed dramatically for everyone in one way or another, and for too many, life has ended. I have struggled. My demons remain, finding ways to test my resolve. My most recent tests have involved allowing others to face their demons without trying to fix everything for them. One of the hardest things I've had to do is watch people I love so dearly be so miserable, struggle so immensely, with hurdles looming so large that some, at times, no longer wish to continue in this life. And I can't do a single thing about it. I cannot help them. I can encourage them to help themselves. I can listen; I can provide phone numbers to hotlines, counselors, resources; I can take them to appointments and suggest healthier coping techniques but I can't fix it for them. I cannot make them do things they do not wish to do, they do not feel is helpful or important or necessary or possible.
Another major difficulty for me is to advocate for myself, to ensure my needs are being met, and to walk away from people and situations that just aren't getting it done. My well to help others seems infinite but my well of strength to stop slighting myself to accommodate others appears to not yet be drilled. I have thus far been incapable of saying "no more." I write this as I contemplate saying such a thing, of performing such an act. This act, these words will break my heart, crush it into millions and billions of pieces. The pain I feel even thinking about it is real, it is raw, and cuts me deep. But it would still be less than continuing to accept that my love is not reciprocated. My commitment is not equaled. My broken heart will heal, but my resentment will only continue to grow if I let me be disregarded and not considered.
My big lesson of 2020 is to learn that I cannot not save anyone but myself. I am worthy and must insist I be treated as such. That's my 2021.
